It feels like American conversations have gotten really rough lately, doesn’t it? Instead of trying to understand each other, we often just mock and tear down. Whether you’re a politician, a journalist, or just a regular person, it seems everyone’s a target for ridicule. Things that used to be considered completely unacceptable from public figures are now sometimes even praised as being “authentic” or “strong.” This constant negativity isn’t just an abstract idea; it has real, painful consequences. People stop working together, relationships get strained, and our energy shifts from tackling important issues to simply “winning” arguments. Think about your own life – haven’t you seen families, friendships, or even entire communities get torn apart by this kind of bitterness? Research is consistently showing us that living in such a hostile environment doesn’t make us more engaged or energetic; it actually makes us less happy. It’s no wonder, then, that so many of us are desperately asking for more civility.
Thankfully, there’s a strong movement emerging to push back against this toxic polarization and contempt. There are now over 500 organizations across the U.S., many connected through the Listen First Coalition, all working to encourage respectful dialogue even when people have vastly different opinions. These groups have shown that it is possible for people to listen to one another, ask genuine questions, and speak honestly without resorting to dehumanizing insults. I’ve personally been involved in this effort. In my own community, which is politically quite diverse, I help lead an initiative focused on bridging the increasing divides we’ve seen. I also host a podcast about education, aiming to calm down the “culture war” rhetoric that’s been wreaking havoc on our schools. And as a school board member, I even introduced a resolution asking our community to treat each other with dignity during public meetings, rather than contempt. This kind of work truly matters; in many communities, including mine, these efforts have helped save relationships that otherwise would have crumbled under the immense pressure of polarization. But here’s where we sometimes get it wrong – and I’ve made this mistake myself.
While civility is certainly a good thing, and absolutely necessary, it’s actually too low a bar to truly support meaningful democratic engagement. In our understandable effort to counter rising hostility, civility can sometimes become a trap. It can reward simply “getting along” over truly “getting honest,” and offer a comforting illusion of harmony even when deep, serious problems are still festering beneath the surface. I’m not saying we should abandon civility. Instead, I’m urging us not to confuse civility with genuine health in our public discourse. Otherwise, we risk treating strategies designed solely to reduce hostility as if they’re the ultimate answers to our most pressing public problems. We start to believe that if conversations are polite, meetings are calm, and voices remain measured, then everything must be going well. That assumption is what I call the “civility trap,” and it springs whenever civility becomes the goal itself, rather than just the crucial groundwork for real change.
I’ve totally fallen into this trap as a school board member. I’m genuinely proud that our meetings are orderly, that public comments are mostly respectful, and that our votes are often unanimous. But what I’m far less proud of is how little time we actually spend confronting the toughest problems facing our students – things like hunger, chronic absenteeism, and the mental health struggles that quietly prevent so many of them from learning. In those moments, civility becomes less a path to improvement and more a shield against uncomfortable truths. This is exactly what Carney was hinting at on the global stage: simply “going along to get along” can feel responsible and look mature, but it often masks avoidance and hides our deeper vulnerabilities. The standing ovation he received suggested that many in the room recognized the danger he was pointing out.
Let me be clear: I’m not saying civility is always insufficient. In certain settings, especially among family members and close friends, restoring civility can be a genuine and hard-won achievement. When people on the brink of estrangement can share a holiday meal without contempt or speak without shouting, something truly meaningful has happened. In those personal contexts, civility isn’t a trap; it can be a lifeline, keeping relationships intact and creating the possibility, over time, for deeper, more difficult conversations to emerge naturally when people are ready. The real problem arises when we apply that same standard to institutions, communities, and public life – places where the goal shouldn’t just be mere coexistence, but a collective focus on the difficult problems we are obligated to face together.
So, why do we fall for this civility trap so easily? Pride and complacency certainly play a role, as do discomfort, uncertainty, messiness, and conflict. Naming real problems rarely comes with neat, easy answers. But I believe the most powerful force at play is fear. People fear that truly “lifting the rocks” – examining what isn’t working – will inevitably lead to finger-pointing, shame, and blame. And for those who rightly pride themselves on being fair-minded and respectful, there’s an additional fear: that challenging the status quo will cost them the very identity they value most – their commitment to civility itself. The bitter irony is that avoiding hard conversations rarely protects civility in the long run. It simply delays conflict, often until it erupts in far more destructive ways. Unaddressed problems don’t disappear; they just deepen and fester. The answer, then, is not to embrace incivility. Contempt, bullying, and humiliation – whether in politics, institutions, or our personal lives – never serve the public good. They corrode trust and make cooperation impossible. Civility must be the foundation – but it cannot be the finish line. If we are truly serious about doing our best for ourselves, our fellow citizens, and for creating a stable world, we need more than just calm conversations. We need a fundamental commitment to treat everyone – even our adversaries – with dignity, coupled with the courage to engage in honest dissent and healthy conflict, rather than constantly avoiding it. Disagreement has always been a vital part of a healthy society. Contempt definitely corrodes democracy, but so does a kind of civility that demands nothing challenging or difficult from us.